Regarding Bereavement
The Interview:
David
Brennan is the owner and funeral director at East Haven Memorial Funeral Home.
He is fourth generation. His great grandfather started the business on Chapel
Street in New Haven, years ago, as Longobardi Funeral Home. He started the business rather by default. He
was the only one in the area who had a horse and buggy and therefore the only
one, available and capable of transporting dead bodies from their homes to be
buried. That necessity turned into a lasting business. David carries on that
tradition—proudly.
When
I asked him what he loved about his about his job. He stated, “The process.
From when a family first comes in, grieving, distraught, and not sure of the
direction they’re going in to be able to sit down with them and reassure them
and get a plan into motion to seeing them after the funeral, in a follow up
interview, to where they are then, and know that I’ve helped them in their
process—that for me is the best. That and embalming. I’m very good at it. To be
able to take a body that’s been ill or lost a lot of weight or been through a
trauma and to make them presentable or beautiful, it means so much to the
family.”
I
asked him what was the worst part of his job, he responded, “burying the
babies, the children, always the babies…” A particularly strange incident
involved a young teen-age couple—only fifteen years of age, had been walking,
holding hands, and the girl was hit by lightening. It passed through her and
stopped at the boy. She’d been wearing sneakers and he’d been wearing
steel-toed work boots. Wistfully trailing off, he also recalled a time where he
was not only the funeral director but one of the bereaved. A longtime and dear
friend had come in from Boston, for a wedding and was involved the night before
the wedding, in a fatal head on collision, on the I95, exit 53 at the off ramp.
He was caught between grieving and being urgently pleaded with by the family,
“Fix him up Davey, make him look good.” A divide has since been placed on the
off/on ramp, to prevent that sort of tragedy from occurring again.
In talking with David about how
his great-grandfather came into the business and subsequently his grandfather
started East Haven Memorial Funeral Home in 1939, at its current location at
425 Main Street, East Haven, I received quite a quick history lesson about the
East Haven locale. He mentioned how his grandfather, Salvatore Longobardi, was
afraid to hang his name up as the owner of the business, for fear there might be
some backlash against an Italian moving into the area. This quite surprised me,
because East Haven is predominantly Italian and catholic. He explained how East
Haven, had been rather waspy but poor, it had seen its heyday prior to the
civil war, where Fort Hale had been started to fight off the Confederates. The
erection of the Q bridge meant displacing numbers of poorer families from that
area of New Haven. East Haven and Branford saw an influx of Italians.
I asked David how the business had
changed over the years. He told me it had changed drastically. He told me that
he never had the pleasure of working with his grandfather—that by the time he
came back from college, his grandfather’s health was such that he had to retire
and that he’d taken over the business with his mother and his younger brother
joined them five years later. He says that the business is such that his
grandfather wouldn’t recognize it, or be able to handle it. It was much simpler
then. There would be a big room with numerous caskets, each with a cardboard
placard with the price. The price would be the price of the casket, the funeral
and everything else included—a “prix fixe”.
The need for an online media
presence is essential to all businesses these days and the funeral business is no
exception. They maintain a Facebook presence as well as their own glossy
website. Nowadays with regulations such as they are, everything has to be
listed separately. He says there are too many people involved with what used to
be a simple rather straight forward business. There are so many little details,
intricate and extensive. He has to deal with three different companies alone to
deal with just the music licensing. If he plays a song, it has to be paid for.
Catering and an after party—this and so much more, is all overseen by him. There
is no longer a need for a huge room that houses numerous caskets. Caskets and
all their options can be shown on a much smaller scale, yet offer so much more.
*(Please refer to ‘The Tour’ for photos of the funeral home, current options
and price list)
People do not want to deal with a
dead body so much as to celebrate a life or just life in general. Which while
he feels it’s nice to celebrate life, it comes as a loss. People need to mourn.
Part of this is seeing the body of a loved one at rest, it enables them to be
able to say goodbye properly. “It’s an ala carte menu and we’re the wedding
planners,” he says with touch of sadness and nostalgia. He further tells me
that almost no one opts for a casket and burial anymore, and that the go-to
option is generally cremation.
When asked why he thought this
was, David speculated at length. First off he feels that we’re a non–religious
transient society. People used to stay in one place their whole lives. Now
people grow up and move away. It’s cheaper to be cremated and transported back
rather than deal with transporting a body.
He wanted to let me know that he
can only speak from what he has seen in the industry, from his personal
perspective as an Italian-Irish Catholic in a small predominantly Italian
neighborhood. First, he never had need of advertising. He gets a lot of
business and it’s all word of mouth because a father was buried there and he’d
done a good job and he was remembered in a family’s time of need, and because
he’s in the neighborhood and the business has been a fixture since 1939. These
people in the neighborhood, they were working class, blue collar types. The
people from WWI and WWII, they put their money under the mattress, and didn’t
spend it unless they needed to, they didn’t plan ahead. They were primarily
church going Italian Catholics. The church didn’t condone cremation, so there
were wakes, memorials and burials. Simple and yet necessary. It gave people the
scope they needed to mourn and move on. At some point in approximately the
early 1980s, the Catholic Church changed their views on cremation, and even
incorporated newly minted prayer services to be said over ashes.
David feels that the failure of
the church was to become complacent, to not ask themselves, where they went
wrong, what could they have done differently to avoid losing their flock in
droves. And the funeral/memorial industry has been remiss in not asking what
they could’ve done to impart the knowledge how very important it is so be able
to say the goodbye. One isn’t able to say goodbye to ashes properly. It’s vital
to the process, he says, to have a casket—open (if possible), a wake, a funeral
and a memorial—to say one’s goodbyes. He emphasizes at this point, by quietly
but firmly tapping his hand on the table we’re sitting at, on each
word…casket-open…a wake…a funeral…a memorial…
He said a number of years ago,
when he first started noticing this trend, he would offer mourners, embalming
services for free, not for a public wake but for the immediate family members,
because he felt that it was just that important to the mourning process and to
be able to say goodbye. Not one person took him up on the offer or responded to
the advertisement offering this free of charge service.
Finally, I asked David what he
thought the future held for the funeral business and his business in
particular. He said it was really hard if not impossible to predict trends,
what might become new or new again. He mentioned, that it is predicted that the
year 2017, promises to be a heavy year for dying, as the first of the baby
boomers will be at that point. “It remains to be seen how that will affect the
death and dying business. They (the baby boomers) were the first of the big
planners, they planned for their first cars, first homes, their retirements,
everything. How that plays out remains to be seen.”
The Tour:
The
Tour
East
Haven Memorial
Funeral
Home
David Brennan –
Funeral Director
Business card
When
you first walk in you are directed to a main room –warm and inviting and a big
center table large enough to accommodate a large number of people.
and one can select
from different
Medallions with which
to
decorate and
personalize Various Medallions
David Brennan
explaining personalizing the casket with corner panels
to be attached to the outside
corners
Another option for personalization
Casket
options. Side panels display options
& touchable casket liners available
Where
the funeral/memorial is held
Front of the room with projector screen
Video
also plays in outer lobby
David Brennan showing
where display frames and miscellaneous are stored
A
typical display frame—this of David’s grandfather—a golf lover,
and family members
The
Children’s Lounge
Down
the stairs and away we go…
100%
Childproofed, fun & just lovely
David
Brennan,
fourth
generation Funeral Director
I
deeply thank him, for his time, graciousness and a new perspective.
My Reflections:
First
off, I just want to say, thank you for this assignment, from the bottom of my
heart. It is not often that one can sit down for an hour with a complete
stranger and have their perspective changed, to see something new and fall just
a little bit in love with an aspect of humanity that you’d either never thought
much of, or might have had some pre-conceived notions going in—I’m left a bit
emotional and without adequate words to explain a quiet but seismic shift in part
of my thought process.
The
video on blackboard, of the unscrupulous and dishonest practices of some of the
funeral homes, while it didn’t surprise me; there is a lack of integrity and
decency in so much of business today, it left me disgusted. And along with a
preconceived notion of what type of cold and creepy or odd person opts to spend
their life dealing with the dead? So, along with my aversion to meeting
complete strangers and being forced into interacting with them, this assignment
was something I rather dreaded.
I
was so happily surprised and moved by David Brennan’s warmth, decency, honesty
and just lovely and kind approach.
Two
things particularly surprised and moved me. When I asked David what was his
favorite part of the job and he told me embalming. It’s not creepy in the slightest,
it’s so important and needed. It offers an immeasurable kindness to a
grieving/mourning family. Like a hospice worker, who helps the dying with love
and kindness, David embalms the recently deceased. Just beautiful and
honorable.
And,
also, I’m not much of a traditionalist in the slightest. I never go to my place
of worship, I forget to pray, and haven’t much use for holidays or reverence
for the dead or any of it. So, when David waxed nostalgic for a bye-gone era
(he’s my approximately age—early to mid-fifties), it took me by surprise. For
somebody who deals with dead bodies, he’s quite the historian, a healer and a
philosopher, and a mensch. On their website, The East Haven Memorial Funeral
Home has a clip of Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a well known grief counselor and author,
explaining the need for a traditional burial and the difference between
grieving and mourning. Grieving is an internal process, whereas mourning is
outward, to be shared as part of the bereavement process.
Also,
as I was leaving, David showed me the children’s lounge. (see pictures in ‘The
Tour’) What used to be a dismal smoking room, has been changed to a colorful,
warm, playful and very inviting kid’s environment. There is such attentiveness
paid to every aspect of a family’s comfort during this, their saddest and most
vulnerable time. It allows children to be part of the process, but at the same
time not be exposed to certain aspects of the funeral and/or wake where there
might be discomfort at viewing the diseased.
As
a Jew, I’m supposed to be buried in a wooden casket and have that dreary
traditional send-off. As the non-traditionalist that I am, I have not decided
what my funeral should be and planned in no way, shape or form. Although, I’ve
thought about it on occasion. Sometimes, I think I’d like to do the Norse thing
and be sent off in a flaming fiery boat upon the water, other times, I think maybe have my ashes
thrown in the Dead Sea and everybody party hard in Tel-Aviv and relate funny
stories of me—there are plenty—at least according to my kids… Learning from the
blackboard video that people can be buried with their animals, I might be
inclined to be cremated with my beloved fur babies and planted among the roots
of a sapling and be able to feed the tree. And maybe the tree could be in part
of a sitting garden, next to a house that stays in the family for a few
generations—at least.